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Yes, life certainly goes on. I learned that just a few days ago when I went back to work 2 days after Mom’s funeral. It was so odd. The last 3 weeks were just hell for all of us, and yet, I get back to work and nothing has changed. Still demanding, still challenging, still too much to do and I see that life is going on all around me—- so, that means that I have no choice other than to join in. But, things are so different now. Mom is no longer alive. I just can’t believe it, but I know it’s true because I was there when she took her last breath, when she was taken out of the house by the funeral director, when she was cremated- I was there, and yet, it is so hard to believe that she is no longer here.

I have friends who have lost their parents. I talked to them a lot before Mom died. I wanted to know what it was like, what was I going to face after she died. I couldn’t imagine it, I didn’t want to imagine it. “What would Christmas feel like without her?” I wondered. How can I face the fact that my young children, so attached to their Mata, that they would never see my Mom again, never have her attend a Christmas concert, piano recital, graduation, school play. I’m one of those people now—someone who has lost a parent. I know this happens to everyone all the time so I don’t know why it is so hard to believe that it has happened to me.

Aidan was so attached to her- and now he sleeps with her picture at night and he wears the hat that she used to wear to bed. Last night he asked me, “When will Mata be alive again?” I said, “Aidan, Mata won’t be alive again. Why did you think she would be?” His reply “Because she’s our Grandma.” It was so hard to explain to Aidan that Mata isn’t coming back, ever. How do I explain to my 5 yr old that he will never be able to sleep with her, hug her, kiss her, talk to her on the phone, have her read a story to him.

I don’t grieve for me, I grieve for my children. I had 34 years with my Mom- they got less than 10- they were short-changed. I know that Nina is old enough to remember her but I hope that Aidan is too. I guess I have to accept that today’s memory of my Mom which is so fresh and clear will definitely fade over time. I’m sure when they are full grown adults the memory of my Mom won’t be as strong as it is today.

Aidan said that when Mata came to visit for his birthday in November, she told him that she would be his angel. She told him that she would protect him from bad things and that she would ask God for good things to happen to him. I’m amazed that he can remember this conversation from 7 months ago.

I’m sure this will happen a lot over the next year— the smallest things can bring me to tears. On the way home from the airport, my Dad called me from my Mom’s cell phone. Her special ringtone on my phone is “I’m on the Top of the World looking down on Creation” and her picture popped up on my phone. I always knew it was her calling when I heard that song and it took me off guard when my Dad used it to call me. I had to change the ringtone. At the gym today the cool down song was “It’s something unpredictable but in the end it’s right. I hope you’ve had the time of your life” by Greenday and I started bawling. The music was up so loud no one noticed and I used my sweat towel to wipe my tears away.

And so life goes on. It has gone on for the kids and Paul, and so it has to go on for me. I have no choice. Even though my mind is still saturated with the tragic events of the last few weeks, I still need to pack lunch for school the next day, the kids still want to have play dates on the weekend, they still want to show me their art work and tell me about the events of their day, there is still homework to do, Girl Scouts to attend and field trips to chaperone. Even though it takes everything inside me to give them my attention and not to think about my own sorrow and grief, life is going on and on and it isn’t going to stop long enough for me to get over this. And, I guess I’m learning that no one ever “gets over” the loss of a parent, especially when it’s your Mom. So, I will learn to live through it and live with it. Life goes on…